Humour.

This page contains regular jokes, One-liners, quick-fire gags, Snippets, ponderisms (questions to get you thinking), Useful? information, and amusing Quotes.
Scroll down the page or use the links above to go straight to what you want.

These funnies are either ones I can remember, or more likely have been sent to me... donations always gratefully received. You can email me at smivs at(@) smivsonline.co.uk
Like much humour, some of these are not very P.C. and I hope no-one takes offence at anything on this page. Enjoy!

This page is dedicated to the memory of Eric Meen. Eric was a friend of my parents, who moved to Australia many years ago and kept in touch with them via email. Upon my mothers death, I contacted Eric to pass on the sad news, and we stayed in touch thereafter. Eric supplied many of the jokes on this page, and his input will be sorely missed.

Jokes & Funnies:

THE LOTTERY WINNER

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery !"
The husband said, "Oh my God ! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff ?"
"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just pack your bags and get out!"

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this ?" the optician asked.
"Read it ?" the Polish guy replied, "I know Him!"

REVENGE!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They're going to STICK! Careful, CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You Never listen to me when you're cooking, Never ! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them, you know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT !"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you ? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs ?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

BLONDES!

1) A blonde and her husband were lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde gets out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing ?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's see how THEY like it !

2) Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figured this was stupid so she asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away ?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house !'

3) A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen ?' the emergency Room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger ?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and Then I thought, 'I paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then ?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.''Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make aloud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

4) A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad Hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun..
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened, so she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing ?' The first Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

NEW WORLD SURVEY

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was :- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the Food Shortage in the rest of the world ?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
* In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
* In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
* In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
* In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
* In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
* In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
* In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

TRAFFIC CAMERA

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic citations in the mail for driving without a seat belt on.

THINKING ON YOUR FEET.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The young boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce"
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son ?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there"
"Really," replied the manager ? "My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for ?"

RED LIGHT RUNNER

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an Intersection.
The traffic light was red but they just went on through. Ruth, in the passenger seat, thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The traffic light was red and, again, they went right through. This time, Ruth was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay closer attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the traffic light was definitely red, and they drove right through it. She turned to the driver and said, "Mildred ! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row ? You could have killed us !"
Mildred turned to her and said : "OH HELL ! AM I DRIVING ?"

ARITHMETIC

A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself out loud –
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven." "Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing ?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it ?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he said. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths ?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four ?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was:-‘Two plus Two,’ THE SUM OF WHICH is Four.”

FARMER’S HORSE RIDING ACCIDENT.

A Farmer was riding his horse along a winding country road accompanied by his dog, when a car came hurtling round a bend and knocked the horse over.
The driver stopped to see if he could provide any assistance, and rang the police on his mobile ‘phone.
They soon arrived and a policeman looked at the horse which was in terrible pain as it had broken both front legs, so he pulled out his revolver and shot the horse. The horse had fallen on the dog, which was also in terrible pain, so he shot the dog as well.
The policeman, revolver still in hand, then went over to the farmer who was lying in the road, and asked "How are you?".
The farmer replied "I’ve never felt better in all my life!”

SUICIDAL

A guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on suicide. She sent him to the end of the aisle, and he returned and said to the librarian that there were only two books there.
She replied :“Well I can’t help it if the silly buggers don’t return them.”

HUMAN RESOURCES

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: “Who is he, and what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice ?
The woman replies, “It's Keith, the midget.”

HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch : You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me !" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it !”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: . Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.
Floor 1 - The first floor has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 - Has wives that love sex and have money.
The third to sixth floors have never been visited....

CHINESE FOOD

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
”Good grief, did you see that ?” she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
”Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order ?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”
”Ah ! So sorry,” says the waiter, “I brought you Peeking Duck !”

BUFFALO THEORY

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

WRIGLEY’S CHEWING GUM

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, “You Australian folk eat the whole bread ?”
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.”
The American blew a huge bubble. “We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.”
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, “D'ya eat jam with your bread ?”
Sighing, the Australian replied, “Of course.”
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, “We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we take all the peels, seeds and the leftovers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.”
The Australian then asked, “Do you have sex in the States ?”
The American smiled and said “Why of course we do.”
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them ?”
“We throw them away, of course.”
Now it was the Australians turn to smile. “We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's ?”

DEAF BOOKKEEPER

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me, is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again !"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him !"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK ! You win ! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say ?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers ?

A LAWYER AND A SENIOR CITIZEN

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon ?' The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four ?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?'
The senior reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

COLD WINTER

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold ?” ”It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter ?”
”Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it's going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold ?”
”Absolutely,” the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.”
”How can you be so sure ?” the chief asked. The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”

VICTORIA’S SECRET.

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret Underwear Shop to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item – pays the $500 and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, “Good Grief ! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!”
He never heard the shot. Funeral is on Friday at noon. Closed coffin.

HEALING

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a Healing Program on TV. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.
Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV set and the other on her arthritic hip.
Grandpa hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV set and the other on his crotch.
Grandma looked at him with disgust. "You just don't get it, do you. The purpose of this program is to ‘heal the sick’, not ‘raise the dead!’"

DRUG NAMES

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

DOCTORS' OPINIONS OF THE FINANCIAL BAIL-OUT PACKAGE

Allergists voted to scratch it.
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
Pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter'.
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists decided the decision was best left to the GOVERNMENT!

BUS STOP

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again, she was still unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

TWO BROOMS

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride-broom, the other the groom-broom.
The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I'm going to have a little dust broom !”
“Impossible” said the groom broom, “WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER YET !”

WEDDING RING.

The teacher said to young Johnny in school, "If there were three birds sitting on a wall, and the farmer shot one of them, how many would be left ?"
"Well," said Johnny, "there would be none left because the sound of the farmer's gun would have frightened the others away."
"That's not the answer I was looking for, as we're doing subtraction today," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking !"
"I have a question for you Miss," said Johnny, the next day. "If three women were walking down the road, one licking an ice lolly, one sucking an ice lolly and one biting an ice lolly, which of the three was the married woman ?"
"I think it would be the one sucking the ice lolly" said the teacher.
"You would be wrong Miss" said Johnny. "It's the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking. ”

STOPPED FISHING

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 20 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that.”
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

GRASS

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop & he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife & two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me !"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer & said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “ You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

THE MECHANIC AND THE CARDIOLOGIST

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this ?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work ?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

THE REDHEAD.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. ??
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible !
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet ?'
'No,' she replies. . .'You just happened to catch my eye.'

CYANIDE

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide ?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy ! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law ! I'll lose my license ! They'll throw both of us in jail ! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not ! You CANNOT have any cyanide !"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different, why didn't you tell me you had a prescription."

OUCH ! ! !

The Pastor in church asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood up and walked to the podium and she said :- “Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed, The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the terrible pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued :- “Jim was unable to hold me or the children, and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire round it to hold it together.”
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued :- “Now, Jim is out of hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium and said :- “I’m Jim, and I just want to tell my wife the word is ‘STERNUM’.”

JUSTICE

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of the church, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it parked there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

PEARLY GATES

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven ?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the gates until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake Dylan, come in or stay out !"

BIG SISSY

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight ?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice. He said: "Big Sissy."

PREGNANCY

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bottom ?"

MENTALITY

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end and sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Medical Director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news." “The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses." "The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

EVOLUTION

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear ?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys ?'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple, I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

THE CRAFTY SCOT

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME ?' and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Okay,' he says, 'They're both coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'

ONE SMALL DOT !

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period ?'
'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister said that she was missing one. My mum fainted, my dad nearly had a heart attack, and the boy next door has joined the Navy...

THE ROBOT KNOWS THE TRUTH

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. "It is a robot" , John told his wife, Marsha, "but it’s actually a lie detector".
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been ?” ”Why are you over 2 hours late getting home ?" they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch ?" asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one !” she said, “and you can't be too mad with Tommy, dear, after all, he is your son !"
The Robot walked around the table and slapped her.

DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of nature had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing ?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top ?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs ?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' 'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that Poofter stuff in our garden,’ she said.

AEROPLANE GLUE

Fred and Mary get married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, “No.”
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think ?”
His Mum replies, “I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school. ”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, “Are Fred and Mary up yet ?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think ?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think, eat your lunch and get back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ”Are Fred and Mary up yet ?”
His mom says, “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think ?”
His Mom replies, “O.K., then, tell me what you think.
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my model airplane glue.”

JIGSAW

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished ?”
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then......" he said with a deep sigh......
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

A WIFES' TALE

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take ?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years." my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years ?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your backside, didn't it ?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man !!!!!!

CHINESE RESTAURANT

Mr Wong the restauranteur had returned from holiday unaware that his trash bin had been taken. One of the refuse guys knocked on the door one morning.
"Where's yer bin?"
"I bin to Hong Kong". Replied Mr Wong.
"No, where's yer wheeley bin"
"I weally bin to Hong Kong!"

THREE OLD GRANDMAS

Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
An old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can ! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his under shorts. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old !"
"How in the world did you guess ?"
The ornery old grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,
"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.”

TWO BLONDE GIRLS

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

THOUGHTFUL YOUNG MAN

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live ? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'
Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own ?'
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little twit is adorable.

CATHOLICS vs JEWS

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish or Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.'
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.'
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.'I haven't a clue' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.'
'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'
'And then what ?' asked a woman.
'Who knows ?' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY.

LOG ON: Make the barbie hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add any more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Get the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Trip back home without any cold tinnies.
FLOPPY DISC: What you get lifting too much firewood at once.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute and bike keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when it's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
BIT: What mozzie did.
MEGA BYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICRO CHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic utensils from Big Rooster
HARDWARE: Real stainless steel utensils from K-Mart.
MOUSE: What eats the grain.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEB SITE: The shed or under the verandah.
CURSOR: The old bloke who swears a lot.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub that gets you your counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunches.
INTERNET: Complicated fish net repair method.
NETSCAPE: When fish manoeuvre out of reach of the net.
ONLINE: When you get the laundry hung out.
OFF LINE: When the pegs don't hold the washing on the line.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling the Hospital. Please select from the following options:

FRANK FELDMAN

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger:’Amazing fellow.How did you meet him ?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I married his widow.'

BABIES

Way down in the ports of Dublin, Murph’s old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come, so he took her to the doctor.
When the doctor began to deliver the baby she had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey Murph ! You just had a son."
“Ain’t dat grand !” Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said “Hold on ! We ain’t finished yet !” The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, “Hey, Murph ! You got you a daughter !!! She is a pretty lil’ thing, too…” Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, “Hold on Murph, we ain’t done yet !”
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Murph, you just had yourself a nudder boy !”
Murph said to the doctor, “Doc, what caused all of dem babies ?”
The doctor said, “You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.”
Murph said, “Ah yeah, during conception."
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, “Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil ?”
She said, “Yeah, I remember dat night.”
Murph said, “I’ll tell you, I reckon it’s a bloody good t’ing we didn’t use dat WD-40 !"

AUSSIE LOGIC

"Hello, is that the police ?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you ?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood !"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come ?"
"Yeah !"
"Did they chop up your firewood ?"
"Yep !"
"Happy Birthday, Mate !

EMERGENCY RESPONSE

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy :- “Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I t’ink both his legs are broken.”
Operator :- “What is your location sir ?”
Paddy :- “Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street.”
Operator :- “How do you spell that sir ?”
Silence. After a minute :-
Operator :- “Are you there sir ?”
Silence. A minute later :-
Operator :- “Sir, can you hear me !!?”
This goes on for another few minutes until the Operator says :-
“Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me !!?”
Paddy :- “Yes, sorry ‘bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street.”

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE...

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible, show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed. Then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed. Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you ? “
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
I thought so," the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

ALASKA

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge bearded man is standing there. “Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.”
”0h Great”, says Tom, “After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. “Gotta' warn you. Be some drinkin'.”
”Not a problem,” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.”
”Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.”
“More'n likely be some wild sex, too.”
”Now that's really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months ! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear ?”
”Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were Worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business !’
That’s when she shot him.

THE ELDERLY IRISH VIRGIN

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final arrangements".
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her Tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of grave stone she had selected.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED”

SMILE

...AND A VOICE FROM OUT OF THE GLOOM SAYETH UNTO ME,
“SMILE AND BE HAPPY, FOR THINGS COULD BE WORSE.”
So I SMILED AND WAS HAPPY, AND BEHOLD……..
THINGS BECAME MUCH WORSE !

One-liners:

Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

My friend crossed a Pitbull with a Shitzu and ended up with a Bullshit.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

Quickies:

WE'LL HAVE NUN OF THAT IN HERE, THANK YOU

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

MEN!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

EXCERPTS FROM AMERICAN COURT TRANSCRIPTS

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning ?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy ?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you ?
WITNESS: My name is Susan

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active ?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all ?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory ?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget ? Can you give us an example of something you forgot ?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he ?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time ?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right ?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys ?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls ?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney ?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated ?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated ?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual ?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female ?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney ?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people ?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time ?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor ?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless ?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

****************************************************************************

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. If you walka pasta da Bakery.
2.. If you walka pasta da Candy Store.
3.. If you walka pasta da Ice Cream Shop.
4...If you walka pasta da Table an’ da Fridge.
You will lose weight!

WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES ?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES ?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU ?
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN ?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS ?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES ?
WHERE - WOULD YOU BE ?
“YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG BLOODY HOUSE !”

A FORGETFUL MAN GOES TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST.
“My trouble is,” he says, “that I keep forgetting things.”
“How long has this been going on ?” asks the psychiatrist.
“How long has what been going on ?” asks the man.

SLOW COACH.
An old gentleman was driving too slow on the motorway at his usual speed.
A police officer pulled him over, and said “I guess you know why I stopped you, sir ?”
“Sure I do, officer,” the old gentleman replied, “I was the only one you could catch !”

UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL.
Two elderly gentlemen met up for a drink in their local pub. After a while, they began discuss a mutual acquaintance.
One said “Have you seen John lately ?
“Well I have, and I haven’t.”
“What do you mean by that ?”
“Well, I saw a fellow the other day who I thought was John and he saw a fellow he thought was me.”
“When we got up close to one another, it was neither of us !”

URGENT WARNING: The Nigerian Government has warned it’s citizens that if they get any E-mails from Ireland, U.K., or U.S.A. regarding Government-backed security deposit schemes and seeking your bank details, IT’S A SCAM !

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston By-Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said “Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.”

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round. "The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.....

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with 'hundreds and thousands'. Police say that he topped himself.

A man went to see his doctor because he had strawberries growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Guy goes into the doctor's and says : "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." ... The Doc asked - "How's that ?" "Don't you start," He said.

Snippets:

A DIPLOMAT IS...
A person who, can tell you to go to hell, in such a way, that you actually enjoy the trip.

OVERHEARD...
Two women talking in a cafe over a cup of coffee. One said : “I can’t believe this….both my boyfriends are cheating on me !”

LITTLE GIRL AT CHRISTMAS...
“Mummy, Mummy, please can I have a cat for Christmas ?”
Mother :- “No, you’ll have turkey the same as the rest of us.”

Ponderisms:

Why isn’t phonetic spelt like it sounds ?

Why are there ‘Interstate Highways’ in HAWAII ?

Why are there Flotation devices under ‘plane seats instead of parachutes?

Have you ever imagined a world with no ‘Hypothetical Situations’ ?

How does the guy who drives a Snow Plough get to work in the mornings ?

If a 7 – 11 shop is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors ?

If nothing sticks to ‘TEFLON’, how do they make ‘TEFLON’ stick to the pan ?

If you tied Buttered Toast to the back of a cat, and dropped it from a height, what would happen ?

Why is it when you transport something by car or truck it is called a ‘SHIPMENT’, but when you transport something by ship it is called ‘CARGO’ ?

Why are they called ‘APARTMENTS’ when they are all stuck together ?

If CON is the opposite of PRO, is CONgress the opposite of PROgress ?

If Flying is so safe, why do the call Airports “TERMINALS” ?

Can you cry under water ?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered ?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts ?” Where's that extra penny going to ?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity ?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

What disease did cured ham actually have ?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage ?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours ?

If a quiz is quizzical, what does that make a test ?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing ?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV ?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground ?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change ? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural ?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him ?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat ?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours ? They're both dogs !

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner ?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the atmosphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt ?

Useful? information:

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes (Lucky pig ! Can you imagine ? In my next life I want to be a pig!)

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head before it starves to death. (Creepy!)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond ?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don’t try this at home, maybe at work.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left- handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference ?)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that's probably a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out ?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig ??)

When insults had class:

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language was taken over by American slang and curse words and got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said,'If you were my husband I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd drink it.'

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' - Moses Hadas

'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend....if you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
'Cannot attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one.' - Winston Churchill,

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop

'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' - John Bright

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb

'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson

'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' - Paul Keating

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' - Jack E. Leonard

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' - Mark Twain

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' - Oscar Wilde

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination.' - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

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Also check out Malcolm Smith's humour page for lots more funnies.

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